I'm no Philistine, but I'm not exactly a culture-vulture either. I read plenty of books, but I don't get through many novels (life's too short). I enjoy a huge variety of music, but, as far as I'm concerned, rap should be spelt with a capital C. I don't claim to know much about art, but I know what's shite.
Floating high amongst the shite come two of the most highly subsidised art forms: ballet and opera. Never been there, never seen either, never bought the T-shirt—and probably never will. (OK, maybe I am a bit of a Philistine.)
But hold on! I've just had a totally awesome idea for a new art form. I thought of it, so I get to name it. I'm calling it bapera.
As the name implies, it's a cross between ballet and opera.
If you think about it, ballet and opera have a lot in common (both done to music, both shite), but there is also a huge gulf between them:
ballet: ultra-fit, ultra-lean homosexuals in leotards, keeping their mouths shut;
opera: ultra-fat, ultra-bearded heterosexuals in togas, bellowing their lungs out.
Bapera merges the two: ultra-fat, bearded tenors, prancing around the stage in leotards, bellowing on about swans!
Hell, I'd pay top whack to see that!
Remember, you heard it here first.