Can't stop: I'm just popping outside to wash my face in the morning dew, then I'll be donning my hankies and bells and heading off to the local maypole to hit like-minded, fat, bearded blokes with a pig's bladder to the tune of Black Jack David, followed by an all-out assault on the local hostelry, where I shall use phrases such as finest ale and buxom wench, and try to get said buxom wench to serve me said finest ale in my cunningly oversized personal pewter tankard, with a hey-nonny-no!
All right, perhaps not.
Sunday Times (24-Apr-05)
FREE DVD - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: exclusive documentary on the brilliant new movie.
Sunday Times (01-May-05)
Disappointment of the Week: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a missed opportunity—it really should have far more laughs than it delivers.
BBC: Labour vote claim 'utter rubbish'
Charles Kennedy has denounced as "utter rubbish" Labour's claim that if one in 10 of their voters switched to the Lib Dems the Tories will win the election.
Or, to look at it another way, if 10 out of 10 Labour voters switched to the Lib Dems, we could end up with a ginger Prime Minister. Talk about scare tactics!
Me? I popped my vote in the post this morning. Let's just say I voted tactically.
I love silly scientific experiments that claim to investigate gender stereotypes—especially if they involve monkeys:
Scientific American: His Brain, Her Brain…The researchers presented a group of vervet monkeys with a selection of toys, including rag dolls, trucks and some gender-neutral items such as picture books. They found that male monkeys spent more time playing with the "masculine" toys than their female counterparts did, and female monkeys spent more time interacting with the playthings typically preferred by girls. Both sexes spent equal time monkeying with the picture books and other gender-neutral toys.
…But, when given the choice, both male and female monkeys went for the banana every time.
After 645 of the 646 seats have been declared (with the remaining vote postponed due to the death of one of the candidates), the UK General Election results stand as follows:
| Party | % vote | % seats |
|---|---|---|
| Labour | 35.2 | 55.2 |
| Conservative | 32.3 | 30.5 |
| Lib Dem | 22.0 | 9.6 |
| Other | 10.5 | 4.7 |
Good to see the Mother of Parliaments showing the likes of Iran, Zimbabwe and North Korea what democracy is all about.
We Brits conveniently forget that, over the course of history, there have been a handful of great Europeans who can only be described as, well, French.
Laplace, he was one of theirs. So were Pasteur, Cuvier, Clouseau, and Curie—oh, hang on, she was really Polish—erm, I'm beginning to struggle…
Oh, that's right, Antoine Lavoisier, I was going to write about Antoine Lavoisier!
Antoine Lavoisier wasn't your typical Frenchman. He was a tip-top scientist, most noted on this side of La Manche for performing le coup de grâce on the frankly silly (although I rather like it) phlogiston theory, and naming (but most definitely not discovering) the elements hydrogen and oxygen (the latter theme later being developed by Lavoisier's compatriot, Jean-Michel Jarre).
Phlogiston wasn't the only crap theory debunked by Lavoisier. With the help of Joseph-Ignace Guillotin (after whom they named the guillotine—of which, more later) and Benjamin Franklin (of reckless kite-flying fame), he comprehensively debunked Franz Mesmer's totally bonkers theory of animal magnetism.
So, all-in-all, a thoroughly good chap, whatever his nationality.
Why am I telling you all this science stuff? Because, on this very day in 1794, during France's 13-month Reign of Terror, Antoine Lavoisier was tried, convicted and executed by guillotine in one fell swoop (and one foul swipe). His capital crime: being a tax collector.
Hey, now there's an idea to conjure with!
BBC: Land speed record bid abandoned
A two-man British team has abandoned an attempt at the world land speed record for an electric car after they were unsuccessful three times.
Apparently, they had run out of 50-pence pieces for the meter.
BBC: Glazer closing in on Man United
Sports tycoon Malcolm Glazer is within a whisker of taking full control of Manchester United with his £790m ($1.5bn) takeover bid.
Someone sees Manchester United, covets it, and buys the entire club. Oh, the irony!
I can't believe it. I'm actually feeling sorry for the fans! Time to change allegiance, chaps. After all, it's not as if many of you have any sort of affinity with Manchester.
From the country that brought you vaccination (256 years ago today):
BBC (23-Sep-04): MMR immunisation rate falls again
Uptake of the measles, mumps and rubella vaccine in England has fallen yet again, official figures show… In the late 1990s, some scientists suggested MMR might be linked to autism and bowel disease. However, no research has ever proved a link, and the overwhelming majority of experts believe the vaccine is safe.
BBC (13-May-05): Cases of mumps soaring across UK
The UK is in the grip of a mumps epidemic which struck nearly 5,000 people in January alone, say experts. Cases in England and Wales soared by 12,000 to 16,436 in 2004, they say… Dr Gupta's group said uptake of MMR among two-year-olds in the UK fell from around 92% in early 1995 to around 80% in 2003/4. "In some areas of London, as few as 60% of two-year-olds had received a first dose of MMR."
What a pity there's no vaccine against stupidity. Mind you, those most in need of it would no doubt refuse to take it.
BBC: 'Pleistocene Park' experiment
Efforts are under way to restore part of Siberia to the way it was more than 10,000 years ago, before the end of the last ice age.
They're not quite sure where they're going to get the mammoths from.
BBC: Fulham 6–0 Norwich
Norwich's hopes of Premiership survival were swept away by rampant Fulham. The Canaries could have guaranteed survival with victory, but never threatened to get the win they needed.
I won't patronise you by explaining my damn clever (albeit obscure) headline. Work it out for yourself.
BBC: BBC defends new weather forecasts
The BBC has defended its new TV weather maps with realistic 3-D landscapes following complaints by viewers… Some viewers complained about the way Scotland was depicted on screen during the national forecast. The BBC spokesman denied any bias and said the bottom of the map appeared larger because it is a 3D forecast and the south is "slightly larger as it is closer to the viewer".
Ah, but that's the whole point: why did the BBC choose to display the map from a southern aspect? Why not show it from the north, where all the weather is? I know, don't tell me, it's because that's where the satellite sees the country from. How very fortunate!
On second thoughts, why not display the map from directly overhead, in glorious 2-D (just like on the old maps)? Seeing the country in so-called 3-D adds nothing, simply distorting perspective and making it even harder to work out where the hell Hebden Bridge is.
Actually, this story involves two hobby-horses of mine: subtle (and not-so-subtle) media bias against the north, and unnecessary 3-D graphics. Whenever I am shown a new whizz-bang piece of software by a potential supplier, they almost invariably proudly demonstrate its 3-D graph-generating capability. The conversation usually goes something like this:
Supplier: Look! It can even produce 3-D graphs!
Me: That's very clever. Does it do 2-D graphs as well?
Supplier: Erm… Why would you want to do 2-D graphs?
Me: Well, because in most cases they contain exactly the same information and are easier to read.
Supplier: Are they?
Me: Yes. So, does it do 2-D graphs then?
Supplier: Do you know, I haven't the faintest idea. Nobody's ever asked before. Can I get back to you on that one?
3-D graphs are a large part of what is wrong with this country. 3-D graphs and the weather.
Scotsman: Wind Farm Businessman One of Labour's Biggest Donors
A venture capitalist with a major interest in the wind farm industry was one of the biggest donors to the Labour Party during the General Election campaign, it has emerged.
Nigel Doughty, whose investment company Doughty Hanson owns the Danish firm LM Glasfiber, a major wind turbine manufacturer, gave the party £250,000 after a dinner with Tony Blair held for potential donors earlier this year.
The wind farm industry is expected to expand swiftly over the next few years as ministers seek to encourage the development of renewable energy sources.
Can you imagine the fuss that would be kicked up if Nigel Doughty owned shares in BNFL? Strange there's no mention of this story on the BBC News website.
Oh, hang on a second, what's this?
Observer: 2,000 more wind turbines in countryside
A massive expansion of wind power involving thousands of new turbines will go ahead despite increasingly bitter wrangling over claims that they are despoiling Britain's countryside.
In his first speech since becoming energy minister, Malcolm Wicks, will offer unequivocal backing to the green lobby by insisting it is 'vital' the government rides out vocal opposition to windfarms and sticks with wind energy.
Didn't see that one in the Labour manifesto!
Liverpool was buzzing today. Well, the bits of it that weren't hung over were buzzing. I wonder if this could have anything to do with it:
BBC: AC Milan 3–3 Liverpool (aet)
Liverpool beat AC Milan 3–2 in a penalty shoot-out to win the Champions League after sensationally coming from three goals down at half-time.
…and this time the greatest club team in European football history (oh, shut up Madrid and Milan (looo-sers!), and read it and weep Manchester!) quite rightly gets to keep the silverware.
Well done, lads! Magic mustard.
New Scientist: Understanding sarcasm is a complex business
Yeah, right, understanding sarcasm is, like, soooooo complex.
I'm starting to repeat myself.
Two minutes ago, I opened a bottle of wine, poured a couple of glasses, sampled the bouquet, and remarked to Jen, fox piss.
No sooner were the words out of my mouth than I realised I'd smelt wine with a fox-piss nose before. The latest number is a rather light little SE Australian Shiraz going by the unfortunate name of Up a Gum Tree.
Prefer the Chateau Latour '45 myself.
BBC: Cataract op gorilla gives birth
A gorilla, who underwent a cataract operation after she was born blind, has given birth to a baby at Bristol Zoo.
Now there's an operation that went very wrong.
Text message conversation with Carolyn:
C: Did you know your memory's going?
R: I think I've forgotten my memory's going. What did I forget?
C: I knew you'd ask that and I can't remember! But it was something that you were recalling incorrectly, I thought.
R: I don't remember that!
For reasons I won't go into, I hit Jen on the back of the head with a sledgehammer this morning.
You're probably thinking I'm exaggerating, or speaking metaphorically, but I'm not; it was a real sledgehammer, I swung it with both hands, and I dealt Jen a glancing blow to the back of the head.
It fucking hurt, apparently.
BBC: Two-tier pensions plan suggested
Graduates might have to wait until they are 70 before drawing a state pension, the head of the government's Pension Commission has suggested.
Huh?
BBC: Over-60s 'too young' to retire
The number of over-60s continuing to work will double in the next two decades as people increasingly feel too young to retire, a report says. More than one in five workers will be working into their 60s by 2020—double the current figure—it was predicted.
What the hell is going on? Has nobody noticed it's the 21st Century?
This isn't how it's supposed to be. By now, they promised us, none of us would have to work any more: robot slaves would be doing everything for us—cleaning the house, and making nuclear-powered flying cars, and taking the dog for a walk—freeing up enough time for all us humans to become artists and aesthetes, or simply lounge around all day watching holovision. I distinctly remember being told about it at school. Hell, we even learnt about our perfect futures in French:
En l'an deux-mille, chaque famille possédera un petit hélicoptère pour voyager en ville.
Where did it all go wrong?
And what about computers? Aren't we supposed to have banished the keyboard by now? That's right, we were going to talk to our computers in English (or French, if we could still be bothered), and they would understand exactly what we were saying, and they would program themselves, and they would never crash or anything stupid like that.
And what happened to the Mars colony, then? Tell me that. I had a book about it. It looked bloody brilliant!
The way I see it, the engineers have let us down very badly. They made promises they didn't keep. They lied to us.
And so did the pensions ministers, the bastards.
Israeli Ministry of Defense: Israel's Security Fence
Terrorism has been defined throughout the international community as a crime against humanity. As such, the State of Israel not only has the right but also the obligation to do everything in its power to lessen the impact and scope of terrorism on the citizens of Israel.
Guardian: Israeli army squad in cup final invasion
The commander of an Israeli army squad has been suspended after his patrol took over a Palestinian home and confined the family to a spare room so the soldiers could watch Liverpool's victory in the Champions League final… The military confirmed that the five soldiers and the commander took over the house to watch the match but said they only stayed for a few minutes, and did not break anything.
It's the little things that count.
BBC: French voters reject EU charter
French voters have overwhelmingly rejected the European Union's proposed constitution in a key referendum. Almost 55% of people voted "No", with 45% in favour, according to final interior ministry figures. The vote could deal a fatal blow to the EU constitution, which needs to be ratified by all 25 member states.
I have a little conspiracy theory going here:
We Brits are seen as the worst Europeans: we turned up late; we keep siding with the Americans (and look where that got us); we insist on a rebate; we're nearly always the last to agree to any new initiative. Never mind the fact that our rebate is totally justified, and that, when we do finally sign up to new European initiatives, we're one of the few countries that actually sticks to them—the point is, we are still seen as the worst Europeans. Why do you think we keep coming near the bottom in the European Song Contest, for Pete's sake?
Which is why the French have voted Non.
They're using reverse psychology, you see. They know the Brits are never going to vote for anything with the word European in the title—especially when it was drafted by a Frenchman—so they've voted Non to make us think it might actually be a good thing. (Which it might well be.)
Cunning devils, the French.
BBC: Vatican seeks papal miracle proof
The Catholic Church has invited people to submit evidence "in favour or against" the late Pope John Paul II's suitability to be a saint.
I bet they gave a conspiratorial wink and crossed their fingers when asking for evidence against.
Hasn't it occurred to them that asking for evidence might set a very dangerous precedent for an organisation whose authority is based entirely on faith? We might all end up a bunch of Doubting Thomases—and where might that lead us?
Me? I gave St Herman the day off yesterday and prayed to John Paul II instead, but I haven't experienced any miracles yet (unless you count a guinea fowl flying into my garden).
Mind you, spotting miracles seems to be an entirely subjective process. In the words of my old associate, Julian Date to the aforementioned John Paul II:
How do you decide what is a miracle and what is the product of a deranged or devious imagination? I am sure there have been plenty of fakers over the years who have tried to fool the Pope into declaring occurrences in their localities as miracles—the benefits to the tourist trade alone are astronomical. How then do you sort out the wheat from the chaff? How do you decide that a moving statue in Ireland is a miracle, but that a talking chicken in Canada isn't?
I wonder whatever happened to Mr Date. He's been remarkably quiet of late.
BBC: UK company launches in-car toilet
A portable, in-car lavatory has been launched by a British firm for use by people with medical conditions, as well as families with small children. The Indipod, made by Bromsgrove-based Daycar, is aimed at people with bowel and bladder problems.
Bloody hell, that's all we need: to be sitting at traffic lights next to some pensioner taking a dump.
You can take technology too far you know.
Wired News:
Miss Canada Natalie Glebova was crowned Miss Universe 2005 in Bangkok on May 31, 2005 at the climax of a beauty pageant that once again managed to stumble into controversy with religious conservatives.
Honestly, it makes you proud to be an Earthling, doesn't it? We might not have achieved inter-stellar travel yet, but our lasses keep winning that Miss Universe title!
The tri-legged fishmaidens of Rigel Sub-Planetoid Pedwar must be kicking themselves, and the Sauronymphs of Pollux II will be pink with envy.
I've just realised that today is the tenth anniversary of my first internet dialup account. My first set of web pages went live about two days later. Unable to think of a better name for my website (they were called web sites in those days: two words), I decided to call it Gruts. The URL is slightly different these days, but I never got round to changing the name.
Unfortunately, I don't appear to have kept a copy of my very first web page, but I have just managed to locate its original logo on my old Windows 95 (sic) machine:
Man, that's bad. Hands up who remembers drop-shadows. They were all the rage back in '95. To make matters worse, I also found the even trendier animated version that eventually replaced it (this won't work if you've disabled animations on your browser, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over it if I were you):
Is it physically possible to die of embarrassment do you reckon?
