We have a winner
After much deliberation by the official judge (OK, she chose one at random, because she didn't think any of the entries were worthy of winning on merit), we finally have a winner of the My Fanny Up For Grabs competition. He is Justin, and his winning entry went as follows:
Fanny treated her husband like dirt.
His feelings she'd constantly hurt.
So he took his old rifle,
And filled it with trifle,
And blew her head off with dessert.
Congratulations, Justin, that was rubbish. Your top prize, an almost pristine copy of Fanny Cradock's rip-roaring roller coaster of a novel, The Lormes of Castle
Rising, is in the post.
The also-rans
There were eight other entries (two of them by the Justin—talk about hedging one's bets!), which were equally rubbish, but I record them here for posterity:
The Castle Rising Lormes
Came over with the Norm's
Or so this book,
Here, take a look
By Fanny Cradock informs.—by Chris Pitcher, FCD
Mrs Cradock's a hero of Granny's
And each Shrove Tuesday her pan is
buttered on hot
And the tips that she got
mean her pancakes look just like Fanny's.—by Chris Pitcher, FCD
Having decided somewhat ad hoc
To limerick about Fanny Cradock
I've been incredibly unwise
To have mistaken her for Hi-de-Hi's
Female lead, Ruth Madoc—by Leo Donnelly
Today if I just had one wish
As to what I would have on my dish
A nice piece of haddock
From the kitchen of Craddock
As in Fanny… still smelling of fish!—by Tony Hollick[Disqualified in accordance with competition rule 11.]
Cradock, a cook bold and canny,
Denied being gay or a tranny.
When asked why she still is,
No longer called Phyllis,
Said, "I'd rather get my mouth round Fanny."—by Justin
John C lead a strange, bullied life,
Yes, bullied by Fanny his wife.
When asked how he stuck her,
Said, "'cause she lets me fuck her,
Whilst tickling my arse with a chive."—by Justin
As her gyno inspected the fanny
Of a certain, bespectacled granny,
"Oh, come, don't be sad, Doc,"
Quoth Mrs. Cradock,
"Only you'll know that I am a tranny!"—by Jeaux Bleaux (yeah, right!)
There once was a Cradock named 'Fanny'
Kept haddock wedged tight in her cranny
The swish of their tails
And their bristling scales
Brought delight that was rare and uncanny.—by Fitz[Disqualified on account of arriving several weeks after the competition had closed, you loser.]
Overall score: 3/10, must try harder.