Porky Prime Gruts
Choice morsels from the Gruts archive:
Black Death
You have to hand it to those medieval chaps, The Black Death is a totally awesome name for a disease.
You have to hand it to those medieval chaps, The Black Death is a totally awesome name for a disease.
Challenge
This morning, I set myself the interesting challenge of coming up with a very bad pun involving the dream combination of chaos theory and agricultural machinery.
This morning, I set myself the interesting challenge of coming up with a very bad pun involving the dream combination of chaos theory and agricultural machinery.
How to Write Poetry
Why, anyone could do it! All, one needs to do is call up a random entry on Wikipedia (Bolivia, say), and start summarising.
Why, anyone could do it! All, one needs to do is call up a random entry on Wikipedia (Bolivia, say), and start summarising.
Man of Mystery and Adventure
If and when she received the call, she was to inform the caller that Agent Eleven was silent running and was on a code 83.
If and when she received the call, she was to inform the caller that Agent Eleven was silent running and was on a code 83.
Man of Mystery and Adventure 2
In an attempt to resurrect my stalled campaign to become a Man of Mystery and Adventure, yesterday I secreted a carrot in a special pocket in my new work suit.
In an attempt to resurrect my stalled campaign to become a Man of Mystery and Adventure, yesterday I secreted a carrot in a special pocket in my new work suit.
Note for my Future Biographers 2
At age 9, I learnt a very important lesson in one sports day at Brookhurst School.
At age 9, I learnt a very important lesson in one sports day at Brookhurst School.
Pottering
It even didn't have the same stars in it that 'Gosford Park' didn't have: where were Dame Judi, Sir Gandalf the Gay, and the delightfully buxom Kate Winslet?
It even didn't have the same stars in it that 'Gosford Park' didn't have: where were Dame Judi, Sir Gandalf the Gay, and the delightfully buxom Kate Winslet?
The Shorthand Game
This morning I invented The Shorthand Game, wherein one scribbles random shorthandesque symbols on a piece of paper and asks a shorthand expert what they say.
This morning I invented The Shorthand Game, wherein one scribbles random shorthandesque symbols on a piece of paper and asks a shorthand expert what they say.
The Starbucks Game
Today I visited Starbucks and played The Starbucks Game.
Today I visited Starbucks and played The Starbucks Game.
Watching TV with Mum
Goodness, doesn't he look like his dad?
Goodness, doesn't he look like his dad?
A Warm Welcome
Why British beer, unlike the British climate, remains resolutely warm.
Why British beer, unlike the British climate, remains resolutely warm.
The Aftermath
Who would have thought that there would not have been enough spoons to go around?
Who would have thought that there would not have been enough spoons to go around?
Freewheeling part 2
This evening, on my way home from work, I discovered that I could freewheel my car all the way down the B6138.
This evening, on my way home from work, I discovered that I could freewheel my car all the way down the B6138.
Cathedral Game
While visiting the cathedral, I decided to kill time by playing my favourite cathedral game.
While visiting the cathedral, I decided to kill time by playing my favourite cathedral game.
Fish Names
It always amazes me how many people just don't get it when talking about fish species with amusing names.
It always amazes me how many people just don't get it when talking about fish species with amusing names.
Daily Cross Word
A free cross word, updated daily.
A free cross word, updated daily.
Mum Sums It Up
Janusczak: "The death of Gauguin's mother had an incalculable effect on his psyche…"
Janusczak: "The death of Gauguin's mother had an incalculable effect on his psyche…"
A Sign
It was a sign from God—there can be no other logical explanation.
It was a sign from God—there can be no other logical explanation.
Insatiable Siren
"Drink up," she cooed, as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.
"Drink up," she cooed, as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.
Wind Instrument
I farted while getting dressed this morning.
I farted while getting dressed this morning.
Shafted by a Sociologist
I was sitting at home last weekend, wondering, as I often do, what the point of sociology is.
I was sitting at home last weekend, wondering, as I often do, what the point of sociology is.
The Carter Manoeuvre
It must be really cool to have an actual manoeuvre named after you.
It must be really cool to have an actual manoeuvre named after you.
Predictions 2003
On 1st January, 2003, I made 10 bullshit predictions for the forthcoming year.
On 1st January, 2003, I made 10 bullshit predictions for the forthcoming year.
A Note for my Future Biographers
Colin Fletcher made stuff come out of my nose.
Colin Fletcher made stuff come out of my nose.
Tesco deli counter
"Can I have two of those buffalo mozzarellas, please?"
"Can I have two of those buffalo mozzarellas, please?"
Put it away!
Ladies, I have what I believe is a reasonable request:
Ladies, I have what I believe is a reasonable request:
email to Stense
Had a rare old time in Barcelona, thank you for asking.
Had a rare old time in Barcelona, thank you for asking.
Incriminating photos
Shh! That's my other girlfriend, Stense. Your Auntie Jen doesn't know about her!
Shh! That's my other girlfriend, Stense. Your Auntie Jen doesn't know about her!
Royal salute
Her Majesty and Greek Phil drive past, waving at me…
Her Majesty and Greek Phil drive past, waving at me…
The Subjunctive
I spent yesterday musing about why I thought 'If I were you' was more grammatically correct than 'If I was you'…
I spent yesterday musing about why I thought 'If I were you' was more grammatically correct than 'If I was you'…