Gruts

Do you know where the word patronising comes from? Sit down quietly, like a good boy & I will tell you.

Yes, I worried about the Northern Ireland thing too. It turns out that Northern Ireland athletes who also hold Irish citizenship under the pre-1999 article 2 of the Irish Constitution can be selected to represent either Great Britain or Ireland at the Olympics.

But we should still be Team UK.

Actually, no we shouldn't; we should be the UK team.

I've been stewing about this all week. I bet they're encouraged to say "Yo, dude" to each other, or some such. They probably group hug and hi-five each other - except for the Norfolk athletes who hi-six! OK! OK! it's better than a hundred years ago when a bunch of toffs would have been sending their valets into the arena to hold up proceedings until they'd finished tiffin....but its all posing...innit? I've also been wondering about Northern Ireland. Who do they compete with as they wouldn't be part of a 'Great Britain' team would they? Anyone know how it works? (Didn't Mary Peters come from Northern Ireland?)

When they had fought themselves to a standstill and the stars and mountains lay in ruins they could have a crimp-off.

Viv Stanshall was influenced by this to use a similar scenario in one of his Rawlinson End sketches for John Peel (the village populace is jumping on faces etc.)

You chaps are so disrespectful: where are your capital H's in 'he'?

So, could an omnipotent God set himself a task that he could not do? Its Berty Russell all over again.

It would never happen. The geezer's power mad! He's hardly likely to spoil his own monopoly by cloning himself. And even if he did fall for your disruptive, teasing challenge he'd have to create a 3rd being to referee the fight (he's nothing if not fair-minded) and then a 4th to counsel the loser. And so it goes on......hundreds of omniscient (?) beings. They could have a Being Olympics (see logo).

Fer crissakes! We used to have an empire...the greatest nation on earth...surely somebody, NATIONWIDE, got killed, arrested or robbed that same day? Much as I love being british, this is so embarassing.

Ermmm.  That should have been "fish liver", and indeed it was in the typing box.  Ho Hum.

Kangaroo: Apparently kangaroo tends to be rather tough.  My wife ordered kangeroo steak in a Sydney restaurant once and the "Chef recommended it rare", to which my wife agreed, being reasonably comfortable with such things.  When it arrived this steak was virtually cold.  The chef was not messing around when he suggested it rare - on a warm day, you see better-done steaks in the butcher's window.  Even this, however was not particularly tender and so I can't see it taking over from a good rib-eye any time soon.Crocodile: Given it's similarity to handbags, it would seem essential to have a temperance beverage to accompany any meal of crocodile.

Cats: Where there is a choice, people tend to eat herbivorous animals rather than carnivores.  This might perhaps be for purely practical reasons (carnivores are not that easy to farm) but I have heard that carnivores also don't taste that good.  Owl will thus probably find that since cats are largely carnivorous he may be put off somewhat from his pussy-eating by an overwhelming taste of fish liver.

Many wild cats are apparently very tasty. I am a firm believer in eating as much pussy as pos...aaaarrrggghhhhh!

I tried crocodile during the same meal. It tasted like old handbag. Or so I imagined; I've never actually tasted a handbag.

(Cue the Lady Bracknell impersonations.)

I had heard that someone I was at university had become Science Editor of the Torygraph - but as you say, I had dismissed it as just a sordid rumour...

I've eaten ostrich, venison and buffalo, but never tried kangaroo. Are there better bits to eat than others? It seems to be a fleshy animal, so it's likely to be red meat with a beef consistency. Maybe Burger King should do a 'flame grilled' Hopper?

Have one on my lamp at work (am pauper - don't have a car). Got one for a friend who, on recently driving his ...erm ...sheckshy Citroen Berlingo through Yorkshire, was overtaken by a sportscar which hovered in front of them long enough to clock in their rearview mirror my mate excitedly commenting to his wife about the sportscar's Darwin Fish. Sportscar driver then stuck his fist out the window, gave a few jubilant waves and shouts in recognition and then sped off. So beware - badge wearers are not shy in coming forward! I think you can also Fish-spot on the website too.

http://www.darwinfish.co.uk/

I gotta have one.....!

Nite, I have two of those Darwin symbols in my car, one saying Darwin, the other saying Evolve.

So why haven't we evolved to handle revolution better ?

While in Cowes on the Isle of Wight yesterday, I saw a car sticker reading 'Born Once & happy with the result'. Underneath was one of those Christian fish symbols, but it had legs & the word Darwin inside. Must have been a kangaroo eater from Australia!

Not sure. I admit it's a fairly pathetic defence.

When is your disciplinary?

I thought I'd comment on how it whisked me me back to childhood television in the 70s and evoked all kinds of weird nostalgic feelings, but see that Nite Owl has beaten me to it.

It's the closest I get to regular charitable contributions.

Nothing irrational about playing the lottery, as long as you don't expect to win.  You are paying for the thrill of the risk in exactly the way you would at a theme park, only without the danger that the kid behind you will throw up his canyfloss into your hair.

You won't be saying that when I win THE BIG ONE.

Besides, if I were truly rational, I'd probably lose a few pounds in the other sense too.

Somewhat disappointed that you play the lottery; I've been reading pretty much every one of your 2008 posts and you seem like such a rational person!

James Doohan's son posted an interesting and honest statement following the failure of his father's ashes to get into orbit:

http://www.boingboing.net/2008/08/04/unfulfilled-space-fu.html

Even this Mancunian emigre to Yorkshire has to admit that Cains is a finest kind scoop and should be preserved at all costs.

An obvious joke, I know, but somebody had to make it... And I'm sure plenty of others will be.

Interesting that Gordon chose Southwold for his jollies - where the pubs are owned by Adnams and amplified music is rarer than hens' teeth...

Very sad if it goes under.  I worked at the Brewery Tap next to the brewery for about a year in 1995/6 when it was owned by the Danish brewer, Faxe.  The brewery workers were a great bunch of lads especially the security guard on the main gate and one of the brewers both of whom had severe stutters.  One conversation I overheard between them went like this.

Security Guard:  S-s-s-see ya, g-g-got any p-p-plans for the w-w-w-eekend?

Brewer:  N-n-ot g-g-g-ettin' into a c-c-c-onvers-s-ation with y-y-ou, w-w-e'll s-s-till be here at m-m-m-idnight.

Q. What's the difference between a priest in a pulpit & Marilyn Monroe in a bubble-bath?

A. The priest has a soul full of hope.

We met his daughters in Chicago last June. Lovely people.

This year, while visiting Chess Studios, we met Mrs. Willie Dixon!

Oh, you might have a point.

No, no, I think you misunderstand. The kids collect money to put on the horses, no?

But how much money for the horse?  A horse has got to be worth £20 for dog-meat alone.

But seriously, I think that's amazingly cute, and if every Gruts reader gives them a fiver, they'll have enough for a my-little-pony in no time.

The horse that laid those eggs would be worth a fortune!

As the shrink said when his patient walked in wearing only cling-film.... I can clearly see you're nuts.

Using the Bagpuss 15 second exposure method. How quaint.

Makes a change from 'Senior ministers get their noses brown'

Thick as Fitz?...perfect

consonant, consonant, vowel, consonant, exclamation mark

Hey! how about an amalgamation of the two trains ot thought?

'Thick as wit'??

Oops!

You know who you are? I'd seriously bloody hope so. Otherwise why would they be unwittingly sending you a book?

You know who you are? I'd seriously blooby hope so. Otherwise why would they be unwittingly sending you a book?

I'd put the serious expression down to concentration. You have to get the knobby bit on the saddle in....just....the....right....spot.

Ho Hum. Maybe not.

I think I've worked out when those strange As appear in my submissions.  It's when I edit or delete something, which I do quite a lot.  Let's try editing here *_* and here *_*.

Whooo... I assumed this was some sort of spoof, and was ready to find it quite amusing, but this Chris guy actually seems to be for real.

No wonder Dell try to sell you loads of options you don't want or need - they're paying their staff to surf the net looking for negative blog comments.

Amazing.

Ah, Gruts: The bootlicker's blog of choice...

Hello:

My name is Chris and I'm a Community Ambassador here at Dell computers.  I just wanted to touch base and see if you were able to order your computer as specified.

Let me know if you have any remaining questions or concerns, I'd be more than happy to assist. =)

Regards,

Chris Byrd

Dell Digital Life Liaison

Your wish is my command.

Are you chaps trying to do my head in with all the name changes? if this is just some pathetic ploy to get new Gruts comments avatars, dream on.

 As to the Nite Owl question, why not simply revert to Nite Owl on the Day Shift? It has a certain enigmatic quality.

BTW, I was wondering whether to adopt "Digital Mutant Chimera", if not here then perhaps on some other site.  This seems to have no-end of amusing anagrams, including Traumatic Midnight Ale, Drug Lit Mathematician, Thud Emitting Calamari and Great Dutch Militiaman.

If "Loon Thickly" is an option then you can have Clink Thy Loo or Think Coolly or Lock Thy Lion (or Loin).

Anyway, over to Third Car Racer

Maybe even the anonymous sounding E. Wilton might be good?

Let's give Dr. Rita the casting vote.

Over to you, Dickie......

Eon Wilt

Or Twin Leo perhaps.

Or New Toil, if your work patterns have changed.

I just had a go at some anagrams of my real name. The best I could come up with was 'Loon Thickly'.

Sounds like one of those names that Larry Parnes gave his young protogees, like Adam Faith, Billy Fury & Marty Wild. He wanted to change Joe Brown's name to Elmer Twitch. Joe told him to foxtrot oscar!

Then you would be in good company with our host Dr. Rita C. Archer

When I worked in the sign trade, Bill Buckley of That's Life fame gave me the name The Lone Engraver. So, I guess I will go for something in that line...thanks Dr. O'Craphead

Personally, I would suggest Wet Loin.  Lone Wit is good too, as is Newt Oil.

For myself, I was quite fond of anagrams until someone pointed out that my real name is an anagram of "Dr R Dogshit O'Craphed", which is not the sort of image I aim for.

It is with great sadness that I have to inform you that due to not doing 'nite' shifts any more, I feel I must change the soubriquet to something more appropriate. I have tried a few anagrams of nite owl on Fitz' site & can't decide between Wet Lion & Leon Wit.

Any suggestions?

No, they are a South African dance band. Thomas Mapfumo & the Digital Mutant Chimera.

Digital mutant chimera - there's a cartoon series in there surely?

I think it's one of those computer-morphing programs - start with the picture on the left, then to get to the one on the right, you have to go through some sort of digital mutant chimera, represented by the middle picture.

Just a thought.

Could the one in the middle be the living proof that Johnny Vegas & Joyce Grenfell had sex?

I used to have red, grey and white, Val Doonican-esque cardie that I always insisted I wore to annoy Yvonne. Truth was, it was comfy. Turns out, I looked like an idiot in it.

I recently spent some time with a couple of ex-policemen who surprised each other by having a mutual interest in dowsing. I stupidly tried to argue on the side of reason instead of backing slowly out of the room. They claimed they could detect water underground but managed to ignore the water-table, and when I questioned why it was always in a downward direction and did rainclouds figure in this they looked at me as though it wasn't possible for me to be any stupider!

So, not long now then.........

Could that be something to do with your (albeit limited) public airing of your sordid little infatuation. Some of us are young & quite impressionable, I'll have you know. Ok, I lied about the young bit & possibly exaggerated the impressionable bit a tad.

I once had a girlfriend who was so innocent, that when we went to bed, she would put the pillow under her arse, instead of her head!!!

Beginning to look like an obsession? I'll have you know that Stense and I have had a very lengthy (albeit one-way) correspondence on this very subject. But will she oblige? Will she heck as like!

Perhaps all lady caddies are called "Fanny".

Probably so that comentators can say the famous if perhaps Apocryphal   &ampampampampldquo;Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny. Other weeks he&ampampampamprsquo;d do it by himself&ampampampamprdquo;.

You do realise that these references to compromising photos of Stense are beginning to look like obsession: (a previous example and another).

You were kind enough to link to this site some time ago, which I am finding rather amusing, and apparently really is "The news before it happens":

Is that a snowy owl in her bag (insert birdie joke here) or is it an overweight aeroplane?

Didn't she used to caddie for Nick Faldo ? (I heard she used to give him wood first thing in the morning)

Teacher...what is acoustic?

Scottish lad...a stick for hitting coos

You had to be there, I suppose.

Apparently.� :)

There's a great Alexi Sayle clip on youtube, where he 'sings' Wild Man Fischer's Merry-go-round

The French Quarter of my '50s childhood was inhabited by working class families, tradespeople, impoverished artists, and a cracked and colorful fringe element. There were very few hotels and, if you can imagine it, no bead and tee-shirt shops. Sic transit gloria mundi. (And yes, Bourbon Street is a horror.)

You scored handsomely at Vieux Carre Vinyl! Before your next trip, check out:

http://www.offbeat.com/listings/clubs.php

You can filter results by type of music, club, etc. Don't hesitate to taxi to a far-flung nabe if you see a band that interests you. Cheers!

In reply to Brooks:

We were in New Orleans, driving north for the Leland & Chicago Blues Festivals along the Blues Highway. We were a bit disappointed with Bourbon Street (all lap dancing clubs & disco bars). We had to go to Frenchman Street for some real blues. We wanted to go to the Preservation Hall but it was closed the week we were there.

I got a real bargain in Vieux Carre; a sealed copy of the Zappa & Beefheart bootleg 'metal man has hornet's wings' as well as a few blues rarities.

I have recommended visiting New Oreans to all of my friends, especially the Old French Market Inn on Decateur, which was beautiful. We hope to go again next year in October & drive from New Orleans to Helena for the Arkansas Blues Festival again.

Will you try again this year? Bear in mind that by 2012 the weather will be too hot to grow anything but banana trees.

I was 28 years old when I tasted my first sun-ripened tomato -- just off the vine, and still warm. I've never forgotten it. Having grown up in an American suburb eating supermarket tomatoes (hard, pink, woolly-fleshed things, bred for size over flavor) that gorgeous, fresh, GARDEN tomato was unlike anything I'd ever tasted.

Nite Owl, thank you kindly for visiting New Orleans, which needs all the support it can get. But what possessed you to go in the summertime? "Like being basted in slowly-melting ham fat," someone wrote of summer in NOLA. Which nails it, I think.

Vieux Carre Vinyl has fantastic inventory, but so densely packed that it can be tough to browse. Did you unearth anything worth buying? Another great store (not for vinyl, but for local music) is Louisiana Music Factory: louisianamusicfactory.com/

Shoot for November or December if you ever come again. The weather is beautiful. And if you didn't venture outside the Quarter last time, I'd recommend it.

Men are great at multi-tasking - I can urinate and brush my teeth at the same time.  I don't always mean to...

 with apologies to  Boothby Graffoe

I don't know why women whine on about the pain of childbirth. A knee in the nuts...now that is pain!

This is rapidly turning into Recipe Corner. Great stuff!

I had no success at all with growing my own tomatoes last year - but I did try to grow them outside on the patio, and it was apparently avery bad year for tomatoes. The year before, they were magnificent.

...although, I have to admit, in this case it was really performing two parts of the same task.

I had heard it described as passing a Volkswagon - and I don't mean overtaking...

Garlic can slither? How serpentine of it!

Due to raging incompetence, I seem to have inserted the word "especially" into the middle of the word "is".  Apologies for any confusion thereby caused.

If you have the luxury of gorwing your own tomatoes and picking them at the moment of perfect ripeness then I'm sure what you say is true, and without doubt the best plan.

For those who have to buy at least the bulk of their tomatoes picked under-ripe and red before their time (another rant entirely) cooking them is a very fine thing to do because they are so much sweeter and generally more flavoursome that way.

For myself, I prefer to bake them - next time you cook roast beef, halve a few tom's, and put them in for the last 25m with a little olive oil, salt, pepper and either a little basil or a slither of garlic.  Twice as tasty as raw and much more available lycopene, which if you're a guy iespecially s never a bad thing.

You can always let them cool while the meat relaxes.

Having spent a week in New Orleans French Quarter last summer, I can fully endorse the above statement. They also have something called a catfish po' boy, which we ate while listening to Jimmy Bean Ballero & His Band....amazing. New Orleans also has a brilliant used record store called called Vieux Carre Vinyl & a store where all the big blues guys buy their shirts & stuff.

In New Orleans, we fry green tomatoes (which hold their shape better than red ones), and before frying, we dip them in batter.

Long a staple in other parts of the South, New Orleanians didn't take to fried green tomatoes until someone had the good idea to top them with Shrimp Remoulade. You could argue that a muddy boot would be delicious topped with Shrimp Remoulade, and you would be right.

In New Orleans, the dish is served as an appetizer at lunch or dinner:

http://www.recipezaar.com/300606

I've never had English-style fried tomatoes. Do you saute them with a bit of garlic, or something? I don't see how that could be bad. In fact, I look forward to trying your fried tomatoes, only I will let them cool down before tasting so as not to blister my mouth parts.

Glad you handled this.  It was making my head throb.  In a dangerous fashion.  Better now.

Was that you in the corner or was that the REM gig?

My wife described 'giving birth' as like a man trying to pass a watermelon through the end of his....I'm sure you know what I am trying to say....

I love the expression 'gave birth to a little girl'. What other type of girls are being given birth? Hopefully they are all little, or there will be lots of pained expressions in maternity units everywhere.

ONTOGENY.........if you've got an 'ontogeny' you're a scientist! (many thanks to Maureen Lipman)

Yes, and it also conveniently overlooks the fact that organisms have to go through a personal ontogeny before they become adults - and that takes time.

How can you be a legal male if you retain your baby-making equipment - isn't that what makes a female a female? It's also the baby girl bit that bothers me. He sure as hell didn't give birth to a fully-formed teenager. JUST SAY GAVE BIRTH TO A DAUGHTER!!! That leads me on to my favourite bit of stupid scifi....when they clone somebody they always come out fully grown...no waiting around for 25 years for the normal foetus/child/adult process, that would ruin the drama.

I refer you to my previous answer.

Does that mean, in strange cryptic style, that three letters out of seven are right, making it "Leo"?  Or am I just imagining that you would attempt to pull a "telling you but not telling" type of trick?

Thanks for your concern, but I try to avoid public transport whenever possible.

My other half puts elephant shit on her strawberries if she can get hold of any.  I prefer cream on mine.

Sorry

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/7480690.stm

Hope you were not on this!!!!!!!!!

No, but now you mention it...

Wait for the mass exodus of Polish women to our shores. (Oops, too late!)

As A white, hetrosexual, able-bodied male, I feel that I am now part of the minority & therefore request some positive discrimination, please.

Have you noticed the similarity between the picture of the pope & Alistair Sim, the actor who played Miss Fritten in the black & white St. Trinian's movies?

Not even half right.

I'd heard the lion shit one before. It works particularly well on deer, I understand. Evolutionary heritage: Darwin would have loved it.

My money's on Leonard.

Were they being chased by polar bears?

Just as long as you clean up after Nellie, I'm sure that nobody would mind. When the circus came to town (in the days when they were allowed to use animals) they would exercise the elephants on the beach. Dad would go down with a bucket for the roses.

A useful tip...the best way to keep unwanted pets off your garden...lion shit! Most safari parks sell it.

Very interesting indeed. So Shrapnel was a Brit. How odd!

(You've got me commenting on the wrong post now!)

Actually, I posted that on the wrong story. Still interesting though. Pah.

Y'all probably already know this, but I'll do it anyway: meet Henry Shrapnel.

There is no reason for this ban apart from sheer pettiness from councillors who aren't getting any.

Definitely not.

I must admit, the alternative spelling occurred to me too.

I only wish it could have been "Chaste Penguins Treated for Shock" and I would assume they had been visiting the wrong penguin web-sites.

Leopold?