Mr Chris Patten, MP,
Environment Secretary,
c/o The House of Commons,
Westminster,
LONDON. SW1.
29th June, 1990.
Dear Chris,
GLOBAL WARMING
Now here's a thing: I just caught you on The 9 o'Clock News talking about this CFC agreement and what have you - this is right-on! (and not before time).
Now, the thing is, I've been thinking about global warming, amongst other things, and have come up with a couple of cracking ideas which you, in your privileged position, may be able to make use of. Here they are:
a) CFC Emissions: Let's face it, we've just about cracked this on the aerosol front. Our main problem now is fridges. It's time to move in quickly on the manufacturers. I mean, they're unlikely to do anything off their own backs, are they? After all, they do have a vested interest in global warming - if the temperatures rise, there will be a greater demand for fridges - it's a vicious circle!
Why not replace the CFC gases in the fridges with ozone? Then, when you scrap the fridges, you will actually be helping the ozone layer out.
Alternately, why not introduce a new "fridge charge" or "tax" to discourage people from buying new fridges? The money gathered could go towards environmental research.
b) Rising Sea Levels: This is a subject very close to my own heart. We Wirraleans live on a very beautiful, but rather low-lying, peninsula. If something isn't done fast, we could be up to our necks in water (and, as I'm sure you'll agree, the Irish Sea is definitely not the sea in which to be up to your neck).
Now, I'm no scientist, but , when I was topping-up my car's radiator today, I had a brilliant idea.... My radiator is one of those with an overflow reservoir: why not use the same principle on a global scale and construct an overflow reservoir for the oceans?
It seems to me that, if you found a big bit of land that nobody wants (and I have the centre of Australia in mind here), you could scoop it out and fill it with the rising sea water.
This idea has the added advantage that it would at least double the amount of Australian beaches and would, therefore, do their tourist industry no harm at all.
"But," I hear you cry, "what do we do with all the land we've scooped out?"
Well, I've thought of that as well: you have two options:
i) give it to some flat country like Holland - they could do with a few mountains. If there was any left over, I'm sure the Wirral and Norfolk would be more than happy to take a few hills' worth.
ii) build a new island somewhere. This could then be used to alleviate the Hong Kong Situation.
I realise that this reservoir suggestion would be time-consuming and costly, but it would create many new jobs. I'm sure there are a lot of Irish navvies out there who would be champing at the bit for a project like this.
Right, I think I've given you quite enough to think about for the time being, so I'll leave it there. Let me know if you have any questions - I will let you know if I come up with any more bright ideas.
Yours sincerely,
cc. The PM of Australia