Hypochondria Outbreak Not Contagious Say Doctors

	A worried patient receiving treatment for a funny tingling sensation, yesterday

The hypochondria epidemic sweeping through large parts of Devon, England does not appear to be contagious, doctors announced yesterday.

The news came as great relief to thousands of nervous locals, who have been inundating local hospitals and GPs' surgeries, demanding treatment for various symptoms, including:

• hot flushes
• spots before the eyes
• queasiness
• thin blood
• aches
• colic
• hardened arteries
• nervous ticks
• tingling sensations
• ringing in the ears
• dizziness
• the collywobbles

An elderly patient and his doctor, yesterday

"This is wonderful news," said local MP, Terry Harris, speaking from his Truro General Hospital bed, where he is recovering from a funny taste in the mouth. "It looks like this awful epidemic is finally on its way out. Let's hope we can start getting back to some semblance of normality before too long."

The epidemic has caused chaos throughout Devon, especially in the public sector, where many workers have chosen to stay at home, rather than mix with potentially infectious colleagues. Placebo pill stocks have been reduced to alarmingly low levels, with extra supplies having to be shipped in from nearby Cornwall.

"We've been run off our feet," said Dr Vivienne Peters, a local GP. "I haven't known anything like it since the General Panic of '63. To be honest, I just don't know how we've managed to cope, what with half our staff off sick. And now, ironically, just when it looks like we're over the worst of it, I go and get these awful heart palpitations."