Manchester United Invades Poland

	Alex Fergusson rubs his hands in glee

English soccer Premiership giants Manchester United took another step towards world domination yesterday when they invaded the East European republic of Poland.

Having been met with almost no opposition, the team marched into the centre of Warsaw in strict 4:4:2 formation.

"We've been planning this move for the past three seasons," explained United's manager, Sir Alex Fergusson. "We hadn't expected to start our European campaign until the spring, but with last year's success on the continent, we decided to bring our plans forward."

King David and Queen Victoria of Poland

By sunset, Fergusson had installed David Beckham and his wife, Posh Spice, as puppet King and Queen of the country. He now intends to press on towards Russia. Weather permitting, he hopes to be in Moscow before the end of the season.

"A move on Moscow could be Fergusson's biggest mistake," said Gerard Houllier, manager of United's old rivals Liverpool FC. "It will overstretch his defence, leaving it vulnerable to counter-attack."

United's tactics seem to have caught rival clubs off-side. VfB Stuttgart condemned the move, threatening to take the matter to the sport's world governing body, FIFA. French club Paris Saint-Germain immediately offered their support to beleaguered Russia, sending two defenders to Spartak Moscow on a six-month free transer. Italian club, Lazio, on the other hand, congratulated United on their brilliant move, offering to form a mutual non-agression pact.

Washington expressed concern at developments, but stated that the matter was down to Europe to resolve. In what is being seen as a clear message to United, however, they moved forward plans for the friendly tour of the European American Football League by the Washington Redskins.

"Washington should stick to its own discipline," said an angry Sir Bobby Charlton. "I'd advise them to think very carefully before they start shipping teams over the Atlantic. We don't want any trouble with the Americans, like, but, if worst comes to worst, we won't hesitate to send in our sub's."