Vegetarian Claims Bullshit says Top Mathematician

	A vegetarian meal yesterday

Vegetarian claims of longevity were dealt a major blow yesterday, when a top mathematician described their statistical techniques as bullshit:

"The carrot-munchers say they live nine years longer than the rest of us, but they're talking out of their cabbagey-smelling arses," said Prof. Derek Jackson of Liverpool University.

"They're committing a fundamental sampling error," he went on to explain. "They assume that anyone who dies as a kid - before they're old enough to choose vegetarianism - is a meat-eater, the sneaky bastards. Basically, they're left-skewing the meat-eater sample, dropping the average age of death by several years, the dirty, back-stabbing, pasty-faced tossers.

"I could just as easily claim that us blokes with beards live longer than clean-shaven, bed-wetting mummy's-boys. It wouldn't mean anything significant: it would just mean that I hadn't taken into account the young brats who die before they're old enough to grow beards - good riddance to the the lot of them, that's what I say. This is the sort of crappy, arse-about-bollock thinking that really gets on my tits.

"Next thing you know, they'll be claiming that bloody old-age pensioners live longer than the rest of us, the skinny-limbed, lily-livered pillow-biters."